So, what makes this life worth living? I've asked myself that question a thousand times. Is it the memories we keep locked away from the greasy eyes of enemies? Is it the way we affect the lives of the people around us? Maybe it's the scars we leave on the world before we go. Who knows for sure? I can only express my views on the topic. If you relate, fine. If not, that's fine too. I really couldn't care less.
Many hardships in my life lead me to believe that my time on this planet was worthless--a mockery of existence, an insult to the myth of progress. I couldn't maintain hope or accept the possibility of change. One of my favorite lyrical quotes by Marilyn Manson is "I was born into this. Everything turns to shit." I lived that perception until everything really turned to shit. My reckless outlook and heartless behaviors resulted in catastrophe. But, I believe that you get exactly what you deserve. I deserved to have everything precious in my life taken away. It gave me the opportunity to see WTF I was doing. Since I spent more time focusing on the voids in my life rather than the full components, I was left with just that--a void.
However, these aforementioned sufferings were my path to realization. My heart stood up on its point again rather than inverted like a spade. I dug my way out of self-destruction with the bloody hands of a changing man. After my life was ripped from my grasp, I wanted it back. Naturally. But, in my darkest hours, I knew my return to "normality" would not be temporary. I refused to try to change. I just changed. I didn't try to be better. I already was. Some people, like myself, seem to forget who is in charge of fate. It is not by chance, it is not by cosmic alignment, it is you. You are in charge of your place in this world. Only you can change your life. Sure shit happens, but you deal with it, move on, and learn from it.
Why is my life worth living? I don't have just one answer because there is a million. But, I'll give a few:
The sun helps me realize what it means to love freedom. When I say the words "I love you" and mean it, nothing compares to that heat in my chest and that chill down my legs. My son's smile. My family's pride. And finally, for now, the knowledge that I can change the world with the stroke of a pen and the beat in my heart. I am potential. I am resilience. I am hope. I am dreams. I am Dad. I am son. I am love. I am everything I need to be. And, I am the only one to make my destiny real. The only way I came to take this inventory of myself was through an honest mirror and a shitload of reflecting tears.
I leave my advice in the form of a quote. "Live as if you were to die tomorrow and kiss everyone you love today. But, learn as if you were to live forever, and remember your mistakes." Sean Williams
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- Sean
- I am unwilling to watch my mouth and unafraid to reveal my thoughts. I am an enemy of the fake and brother to the true. If you judge me, you judge yourself.
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1 comment:
Sean,
I really enjoyed the "Why Is My Life Worth Living" piece. Though short, it's rich in content. I love the affirmative "I." The repetition of the "I" is germinal (or as some sexist theorists interested in their own phallic ego, put it "seminal") for celebrating the self a la Walt Whitman or even feminist artists like Rhodessa Jones. Perhaps you could personify "love," "pride," etc. I like to think of them as transient characters in my life novel. I grew up working-class, so pride is key. Maybe give an example? My teeth are my evidence, not to mention slang, profanity, and dress. I do things all the time that are bad for me out of sheer pride, like not writing my dissertation in a coherent form at times, which makes me have to rewrite for clarity, not as a poet. I like to think of love as a world with liberal smiles. Of course, it's maddening at times, but wonderful nevertheless. I hope you find someone/somebody who complements your neuroses as much as I have. Art, cats, and love get my ass outta bed in this sick, oppressive foul year of the (atheistic) lord. My pen is my weapon. It's micro level change, but I can write my own identity, history, and humanity. It allows me to think deeply. It allows me to be, to be human, even if I think I don't exist most of the time.
Amy
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